STILLBIRTH

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The following story was provided by Erin (Mother of Amara).

Amara Jane Lawrence - Amara was born on Tuesday, March 19, 2002 at 7:15 P.M. She weighed 8 pounds, 1.5 ounces and was 51 cm long. She had red hair like her mummy.

All our hopes and dreams came true when we found out that I was pregnant with you. We knew that you were a girl. At 18 weeks we saw your petite body in an ultrasound, your little arms waving and your legs kicking, and your heart beating so strong. It was such a joy having you grow inside of me. Your daddy would feel my tummy and you would kick and somersault to let him know that you were there. Daddy would ask your brother, Kurtis where mummy’s baby was and Kurtis would pat my belly where you lay inside.

We decorated your room with fairies and butterflies. Your wooden cot and matching change table had heart-shaped holes cut in them. A rocking chair was by the window, and outside that window was a frangipani tree which had been given to you by a friend. All your dresses were hanging up in your wardrobe, one of them was a pretty pink silky one that your nanna gave to you at the baby shower.

How anxious we were to see you! The day before your due date I went to the hospital because I thought my waters might have broken (which is how it had happened for Kurtis). At the hospital the midwife said that my membranes were intact and that everything was fine, so she sent us home. At least we got to hear your strong little heartbeat on the monitor one more time.

Two days later, early in the morning I felt mild contractions. I lay in bed and watched the clock to time each one. Some were 10 minutes apart, some 7, some 20. When I got tired of watching the clock I rolled over. Something felt strange. I realized that you hadn't rolled with me. I turned back again. Why weren’t you moving with me like you usually did? Perhaps your movement had slowed because there wasn't much room for you to move in my belly anymore, maybe you were just ready to be born? When I got out of bed I noticed a show. So I rang the hospital. They said to come in.

After taking Kurtis to nanna’s house, daddy and I were on our way to Gosford Hospital, talking excitedly about having you and wondering what you would look like. When we arrived we were taken to a delivery suite. The monitor was switched on and a doppler was soon sliding over my big round belly. Round and round, round and round. Nothing.

I began to sense something was really wrong now. A doctor came in with ultrasound equipment and he didn’t say a word as he watched the screen, but I could hear him sigh. Then he looked at us and said, “I’m sorry but your baby has died.”

“…Really?” I heard myself say. I looked to the midwife, tears welled in her eyes and she looked away. What did I do? Surely something can be done? You can’t have died!

I felt numb as we were led along corridors, down a lift and into another room for another ultrasound. It was true, the second ultrasound confirmed that your heart had stopped beating, but we didn't know why. We were then taken to a different delivery room to prepare for your birth. 

Suddenly I was alone in the room. I sat looking down at my tummy. It now seemed lifeless, I yearned for you to kick again. I rubbed you, thinking I could wake you up, but you were still. Then I realized just how alone I was. You were there but you were gone. 

When your dad returned we made a few phone calls. He rang your poppy, and I rang your nanna. “Why?” She kept asking, but I couldn’t tell her why.

I was given an epidural and induction began. Four hours later I could feel you sliding out of my body. The midwife checked to see that I was fully dilated then told me to push with the next contraction. At 7:15 pm you were born. Your daddy cut the cord and I looked at your beautiful face. We named you Amara Jane. You were 8 pounds 1.5 ounces and you measured 51 cm long. You looked just like Kurtis with your chubby cheeks and red hair.

We dressed you, wrapped you up in a “Blanket of Love” and held you. We had photos taken with you and your hand and footprint were made in ink on a card. When we laid you in your bed, you looked like you were sleeping. The midwife kept coming in and out of the room. When a pan slipped from her hands and it crashed to the floor I turned to you thinking it had woken you up, but you lay still. On one of her returns, the midwife brought my placenta back after it had been taken away. “We think this is why your baby died,” she said, holding up the umbilical cord. I looked and saw that there was a knot in the middle of it. How could that have happened? She untied the knot and showed us just how compressed it was, that it had tightened over time. 

During the next few hours we had with you in the room, I experienced many mixed emotions. I felt very sad though I also had a feeling of excitement, that I had just had a baby girl! 

The time came for us to go home. How I hated having to leave you. My precious darling daughter, we had been together for so long and now we were going to be apart. Daddy and I drove home feeling so empty without you.

When we saw Kurtis we hugged and hugged. I felt his warm, breathing body against mine. I looked into his face; his eyes sparkled; his lips and cheeks were soft and full. I held his hands and they wrapped themselves around mine. He was so much alive! He would have loved to have been your big brother.

At home I wanted to dress you, change you and bath you. When we went out I felt that you needed to be out with us. The whole time my breasts were leaking to feed you and my arms ached to hold you.

I did get to hold you again. We dressed you in your pink silky dress. Daddy held you and I held you for ages. Then we laid you in your coffin. We didn't even have to make you up because you were already so pretty. On the day of your funeral all our family and friends came to see you for the first time. Each of us placed a pink carnation with you. You were beautiful. You had rosy cheeks and you still looked as though you were just sleeping. We sang Amazing Grace. We said goodbye and I kissed your cheek.

Amara, you are a special little girl in heaven. I know that one day we will see you again.

AMARA JANE

A new day has begun

My being is now in Paradise

Alive with angels

Remember my time on earth

Apart from you now for a while

Just waiting to see you again

Always will I be in your heart

Never to be forgotten

Eternally Beautiful.