Please refer to my article on “Infertility” as a lead up to this piece.
Our first son was born in March, 2001.
It was the year 2004, we were ready to start trying again. I was excited and apprehensive at the same time, having battled Infertility before, I was unsure what lay ahead, but hung onto the hope that it could happen naturally this time.
It did and within only a few months I was pregnant. I was ecstatic!
We told everyone our news straight away, because everyone knew we were trying this time, opposed to last time we hadn’t told anyone that we were trying, I decided to this time because you get sick of people asking you, at least if they ask, it is with more compassion, knowing that yes you are trying. We couldn’t help sharing our very new news even though I was only about 4-5 weeks. We were too excited that it had happened so quickly and NATURALLY!
Everything was going great! So I thought.
At 6 weeks, I noticed I was spotting, well my heart sank, it beat so fast I felt like I couldn’t breathe! I never had this with my first baby and instantly dreaded the worst! Trying to then regain calm and convince myself that this can happen and that everything will be alright.
I made an appointment to see my Obstetrician, who referred me to have an ultrasound. The ultrasound confirmed my worst fears – the baby was gone.
My already very delicate heart was then shattered in the most painful way, to have the woman who was performing the ultrasound say “There is no baby”. There was no compassion. She said it as if to say there is no baby, there was no baby. I was made to feel my baby didn’t even exist! That was very hurtful, very hurtful! I left feeling empty, both physically and emotionally – I was gutted!
The next biggest step was telling everyone that I had lost the baby. The hardest thing I found was their reaction. Honestly, people don’t know what to say and quite often they say the wrong thing, like “well, it was obviously meant to be” or “it was for the best” or “you’ll have another one”. For a mother who has just lost a baby, no, it wasn’t meant to be, it wasn’t meant to happen, nothing could replace what I had just lost, IT WAS NOT MEANT TO BE LIKE THIS!! It was painful to see other pregnant women, I was happy for them, but for myself it just reminded me of my pain and what could have been.
The doctor ran a few tests and there was no medical reason of what happened. We started trying again straight away. I needed to fill that emptiness. It brought me back to that similar feeling I had when I was trying to conceive the first time – I also needed to feel capable of being a woman.
Again, it was only a short time and I conceived again. We were excited and told everyone our news, not thinking it could possibly happen to us a second time.
At 9 weeks, and under the advise of the Obstetrician, I had an early check up. He performed a scan in his office and again to my shock and such disappointment, it was only bad news.
My baby was not growing…….my baby was dying. I was sent for blood tests to check my hormone levels. It seemed like forever waiting to get the results back, again, I was hoping that the tests would come back with good news, that there had been a mistake. But no mistake, my pregnancy hormone levels were dropping and the baby was dying.
I was offered a D&C, to remove the baby. I refused. To me, my baby wasn’t dead, they weren’t taking my baby, not yet, there was still in my mind – What If? I was allowed the chance for my body to remove the baby, naturally. It was a hard time knowing my baby was dying inside of me, but it allowed me time to prepare for the next step – the baby’s passing. Within days, it started – I began to bleed. It was the end of the chapter, it was a very sad and horrible time. During the course of that day the bleeding increased, the cramping increased. I was going into labour. I delivered the tiny little object that resembled my baby. It didn’t look like a baby, it wasn’t formed, but it was my baby. As much as it hurt - that my baby never got to grow, it brought a little closure, that is was over.
People didn’t want to talk about it, I felt very, very lonely. I was pushed to get over my baby, I wasn’t allowed the time to grieve, to remember or to miss my baby. Because of this, I hid my pain well and I guess people thought, she’s over it. But in my quiet times, I remembered, I cried, boy I cried! You move on, you heal, but it will always be a part of you. Even writing this piece, taking myself back deep into the pain, to bring you this from as close to my heart as I felt possible, has been an emotional time for me, an emotion I haven’t felt so deep since that day.
I often now think of my babies with a smile, I know that I will meet them one day and I look forward to that. We will all go through our times, times where we are sad and reflecting and other times when we can think of them with peace.
After the loss of our second baby, we had a short break before we tried to conceive again. I needed that time, to not have to worry about the fear of losing another baby. I couldn’t face that fear again, not yet.
I was though, very grateful for my first child. I know of many woman who have lost their first baby and I feel very lucky I didn’t have to have that concern. I never even thought about the possibility of losing my baby. The thought never crossed my mind. I think I was more concerned about having Twins!! Because of the fertility treatment and family history.
Months later, I felt I could give it another chance. We conceived almost straight away. This time, other than our parents, it remained almost a secret until I was 12 weeks. I say almost, because I pop out straight away and people were asking me. Well, it was very obvious, I no longer fitted into my clothes and was wearing maternity clothes too, which didn’t help.
At 35 weeks I started getting contractions and was admitted to hospital due to the history of early arrival with my first child (I myself was a premmie baby too) I was sent home later that day as the contractions stopped.
3 Weeks later our second son was born 2 weeks early - September 2005.
Throughout the whole pregnancy, yes, I worried, I couldn’t wait for the day to come where I could hold my baby in my arms.
We are proud to be parents of two beautiful boys, and above all, appreciate that we can hold them and love them. We feel very honored to have been given this role and the gift of these two precious lives.
